Dad....he never talks a lot but when he says something, there's weight. I don't tell him much of the troubles I go through. I want to spare him of my pain. My hardship is his, my frustrations are his too. He may not be perfect, but in my eyes, he is the ideal man. He's very objective, he keeps an open mind. Just that alone gains my respect for him. I know he's hurt but wouldn't show me. In return, he never cease to give me words of wisdom, of inspiration, of motivation to keep going. He has a way with words to make me really strong and fight. What I am right now has a lot to do with him. I'm glad he was able to pass the values and principles of Tolentino to me and my sister. I am proud of that privelege. With me going home soon, I know for a fact I will all the more muster strength and be very ready when I come back to Sydney. Just seeing my family in pain especially Dad in pain because I am in pain makes me re-think. I know for a fact that on my return from home, I'll be a so much stronger person more ready to face what life is instore for me......

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out....they fence you in. Life's messy! That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them....

Que Sera Sera

It's been three weeks now and it just gets better and better. I'm at a point where I'm just tired of feeling anything. Just would like to move on, get it over and done with. Of course there's still a part of me hoping but the longer it gets, the stronger I become. The more time I give, the more I realize things about myself. Things I've planned on my return look promising and exciting. I'm at a point where it's ok to wait but I'm also at a point where maybe it's ok to let go too. I just want to focus on myself, get my identity back again. Be the person I used to be....independent, strong and determined. I'm very ok....que sera sera, whatever will be will be.

Someone has just told me....a person comes into your life, see him as a gift. Enjoy the experience. For it is in this way that you will not expect anything from him. You see him as an individual and not someone you own.

HOLDING IT ALL TOGETHER

What I thought would be a depressing day turned out to be a good day. It's been 17 days since we broke up and for the first time I managed the day really really well on my own. I woke up today still feeling down, went to church. I was inspired from the homily about revelation, the end of the world. The priest reminded us not to interpret everything on the bible literally but to dig deeply on what it's actually saying. The end of the world means pain and suffering...something I can relate with at the moment. Pain is actually not the end but a birth of something nice happening. Just like childbirth...there has to be pain first before experiencing a whole new and wonderful adventure. I felt light after the mass. Thought of grabbing bacon, eggs and toast for breakfast, my usual weekend breakfast with Craig but this time, on my own. I realized how I'm able to cope with what has happened. Doing things on my own like I used to two years ago. While enjoying my breakfast, I came to a decision that I should stop dwelling on my loss. If he needs time, time I'll give him but that doesn't mean my world will stop until he comes up with a definite decision. So I texted a friend to invite him for coffee in the afternoon.

After a meaningful breakfast, I headed to Phillip Cooke Aquatic Centre to inquire about swimming lessons. When I got there, I got so excited. I felt very optimistic on my return from my holidays. I then went to the Art Gallery since it's just nearby. I thought I might find something there about drawing lessons, didn't find any but anyway it was good that I dropped by, I ended up watching a dance performance about hindu ritual. Then I went to the mall to do some shopping. I bought a present for my nephew, a new pair of swimsuit and a book. And just when I got home, my friend who I invited called me to change plans about coffee...we ended up having a late lunch at this thai cafe at Randwick which was really good then to Coogee beach for a walk to burn out the calories.

Over all, it was a very very good day. I'm proud of myself that I've found the strength not to dwell on my emotions. What I hope is I'd remain to manage and continue to put myself all together coz this is just what I should be doing.

RHEA

They say...if you love someone, set them free. If it comes back to you, it's meant to be......

RHEA

I CAN SEE CLEARLY

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shinyday
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shinyday

Oh yes I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shinyday
Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day

RHEA

ME TIME (part 2)

Now that I've got heaps of time of my own, I'd like to grab this chance to do things I've always been wanting to do for myself. I've been pre-occupied with 3 jobs and relationship that I tend to put this aside. But now I quit one part time job and ended a relationship, I'll definitely have time now. At the moment, I'm not able to start anything yet as I'm just about to leave in a few weeks for Manila. But I promise myself I'll focus myself on Me Time when I get back in January.

Here are the things I plan to do....
1. find a flat of my own
2. buy furnitures
3. scuba diving
4. dance lessons
5. art lessons
6. photography
7. religiously working out....guys out there, watch out for me soon! hehe

Speaking of dating, there's this guy, who I notice, shows up every time I break up with my boyfriend, now my ex-boyfriend. It's just amazing how he just happens to show up by accident each time I'm down. What's even amazing is my friend knows him and she's encouraging me....why not, I don't think it would hurt...

RHEA

ME TIME

Spent the weekend with my good friends out of town. It was fun, something I haven't done for such a long time since I've been in a relationship. Now that I just recently ended a relationship, it's all about "Me Time".

My friends started out with dinner at a Tepanyaki restaurant. It was such fun, the chef kept on chucking food at us and we have to catch it either with our mouth or bowl. Then headed to the beach and then home to watch The Break-Up. To my surprise, it was my two friends who were crying after the movie, I didn't drop any tear at all when I should be the one crying. The scene where my friends got really mushy was when the guy realized how much he appreciates his woman, tried to win her back. The woman was crying, at that stage you would expect that she'd win him back, but she told him "I don't think if there's more I can give". We just had a big laugh when I told them that I should be the one crying not them. The scene that struck me most though was when Jennifer Anniston was leaving and moving out from their flat. She told Vince Vaughn.." If I'm to do things all over again, I would have done things differently ".....haay....

RHEA

Just Wondering

I heard some said that I'm a damaged person that I treat people like objects. I wonder if this is genuinely true. Damaged...maybe, who else is not anyway? Everyone's a product of their past. Everyone has hang ups. But I think no matter how fucked up you are, what's important is how you live your life, how you try your best to make things right by you. For one, I don't think I would not be making it here in Australia if I had an easier past. I wouldn't be brave enough to leave my country. With regards to treating people like objects...I really don't know why someone commented this. I was surprised...so as my friends. That's the very first time someone has commented something as harsh as this. I just wonder, if I treat people this way, how come I am so blessed with real good friends? how come I'm not a loner? How come a lot of people care about me?

RHEA

Just Wondering

I heard some said that I'm a damaged person that I treat people like objects. I wonder if this is genuinely true. Damaged...maybe, who else is not anyway? Everyone's a product of their past. Everyone has hang ups. But I think no matter how fucked up you are, what's important is how you live your life, how you try your best to make things right by you. For one, I don't think I would not be making it here in Australia if I had an easier past. I wouldn't be brave enough to leave my country. With regards to treating people like objects...I really don't know why someone commented this. I was surprised...so as my friends. That's the very first time someone has commented something as harsh as this. I just wonder, if I treat people this way, how come I am so blessed with real good friends? how come I'm not a loner? How come a lot of people care about me?

I wish you'd realize what you're giving up.....I'd like to believe I did a lot more good things for you...I enriched your life....more good times than bad ones.....please come back to your senses.

Why do you allow things to get in the way? If you were true, why do we have to do this?

Just the thought of losing you....I miss you!

I'll Be Okay

It's time to let you go
It's time to say goodbye
There's no more excuses
No more tears to cry
There's been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew
I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the memories
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don't want it to
Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay
Life passes so quickly
You gotta take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters
You'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching
For what was always there
Sometimes it will be too late
Sometimes it won't be fair
I won't give up
I won't give in
I can't recreate what just might have been
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to begin
I can't hold on forever baby
I'll be okay

LIMBO

Things are limbo at the moment. My boyfriend, or shall I say ex-boyfriend and I are not together anymore. Things were running smooth for the first time between us. His mum came about three weeks ago. I looked forward to meeting her...I was excited. She was to stay for two weeks. First week of her stay was good. But on the second week, things changed. She said things to Craig about me....Craig got confused. The relationship became shakey once more. Now, Craig wants time out to sort out what he really likes. I would have wanted to work it out...I don't know about him. He says he would need months. What am I suppose to do?...wait? I think I've got no choice but to move on. If he comes back, he comes back but I don't know where I'd be by then. I hope I'd still be wanting him but who knows. Who would have thought that by his mum's negative comments about me he'll have second thoughts with me. What does that tell me? I should read between the lines. I was crushed but I draw strength by just thinking of his behavior.

Self esteem was low. Somehow I questioned myself what I did wrong. It's especially hard to handle this when you're away from home no family to support you physically. Luckily, I've established good friends though not many who are giving me support. Of course, they would say their opinions about things and they'd side me..that I did what I had to do. I consulted a priest so I'd have an unbiased view...still he didn't say anything that I did wrong. My emotions at the moment is like a roller coaster ride. At times I'm ok then suddenly I'd feel really low. Couldn't sleep nor work well. Good thing I told my manager what I'm going through, now I've got support at work...making me stronger. When I feel too much pain and anger, I just pray. I pray that He'd make it go away. Last night, while tossing and turning in bed, an idea occur to me...counselling! I thought, I want to understand myself better. I believe in doing this, I'll be able to handle my relationship (Craig or the next guy in my life) more efficiently. Through this, atleast something good has come out from my situation.

I went on with my idea, booked an appointment to see a counsellor. This is so very new to me, new experience. After the session, I felt lighter. It's good therapy. The session reaffirmed myself that I'm actually not damaged (like what Craig's mum claims), that I'm perfectly normal. That I may be a product of my past but I turned out fine. He gave me modules to read and answer for my next session next week. Counselling is a bit heavy in the wallet but I don't mind if the end result would be a better me, it's worth it. I just wish Craig and I did this before. If we could have done this, than maybe we wouldn't be in limbo right now. I hope it's not too late....