I hope he stops feeding his ego. I hope he stops thinking that I'm still chasing after him...coz I'm definitely not and will not even attempt to anymore. I'll let things be, stop forcing things. I promised myself that was the last time I'd give it a try if he says no then that was it. I was cool about it last time I tried, just thought I'd give it another go but I guess that was it already. Now, I'm keeping my word... I've given up on exerting any effort at all. I'm fine right now, friends see how I am doing well and I know I am. It just annoys me to death how he still thinks I'm after him....my God! If he only knows what's really inside me....stop assuming please! I wish I can tell him that straight to his face! I've fed his ego too much, partly my fault. But anyway, what matters is I'm moving on..I'm fine..really.

It has been a very busy weekend for me. Friday night, caught up with my Polish friend for some drinks. Bumped into this guy from Citibank who I met two years ago and at that time, was hitting on me but did not even entertain him since I was in a relationship back then. He actually approached me (forgot his name!), I was impressed how he climbed up the corporate ladder as he's now in the management team and has been traveling to Manila once in a while. I knew he was fishing and waiting for me to say the magic words....that I'm single! I did say it just for fun and see how he'd react..hehe...naughty me! Then, in the same pub, bumped into another friend with her friends, eventually joined them. Instantly, I felt so popular in Sydney. It's like when I used to go out in Manila and would see a lot of people I know in the bar...cool! Anyway, what I thought to be a short evening ended up to be a long one. They even came over my place after the drinks. My Thai 'sister' was happy to see me meeting up people and seeing me in very high spirits, which I have been for the past few days.

Saturday night was a long one too....went flat hunting the whole day with my future flatmate. Found a place that we both like. Was suppose to go out for dinner but got lazy because I was so tired from the day's activity.

Sunday, started my day with a mass. For the first time in months, I finally took the holy communion. I thought it's about time since I'm not living in 'sin' anyway, and I think it will be a while. It's amazing how I don't even look for it. It's been nearly two months and still I'm fine. All the more, don't think about it, especially thinking of doing it with my ex....I just don't have that desire anymore. The pain must have been overwhelming than the feelings I've got for him. I guess I'll take that as a sign that I've got less feelings for him now. As far as I know, what I feel for him is nothing more but care for him. Care because I did love him, once had shared my life with him and whether I like it or not, I'll still be caring for him but that's all for now I guess. Anyway, I had lunch with friends in Bondi. Immersed myself into the cold as ice water which complements the very very high temperature.

My second weekend in Sydney for 2007....good start. A lot better than last week. It's good to have good friends around who I can easily grab. They would even join me to some of the upcoming activities I'll be doing like scuba, painting and photography. End of a week and start of another one....looking forward to my extra-curricular activities I'll be up to commencing February. I see new adventures coming pretty soon!

First weekend since I came back...I survived. Went out on Friday for dinner and drinks with an old mate from hotel school, got home, felt empty. Saturday, saw a few potential units, caught up with a friend in the afternoon till early evening, went home, felt empty. Sunday, heard mass, cooked lunch for a guest who came over my place, met someone at coffee shop while I wait for a good mate. Enjoyed myself...went home, felt empty. Trying to trace where the emptiness is coming from...it's from homesickness, suddenly on my own after a month of being with family. Also, from grieving about something that has fallen apart. I appreciate the fact that I've got friends around to keep me company. I am ok when I'm with friends but start to feel empty when I'm alone. I know this is a process I have to go through I just wish I can honestly say I am completely happy on my own just like I used to be two years ago but I can't at the moment. I wanna do something new, something exciting, a lot of things in my mind but I'm just scared I might be doing some drastic changes. Well, atleast I'm glad it's now late in the evening, weekend's nearly over. Start of another week tomorrow......

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure. You really are strong.You really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn.

It's interesting what life can offer you. There was once you were alone...you were fine...you do and deal with things your way. No one to consider but yourself. Life was just so much simpler, less complicated. Then one day you meet someone, he comes into your life, he enhances your life. You find yourself building your life between the two of you. Adjusting yourself to accomodate the other. You become co-dependent to one another and unconsciously lose yourself. He gives you warmth, security and pain too. But overall, he makes you happy. Next thing you know, he's gone. It's all over and you're back again on your own. The dilemma is you've forgotten how to be alone again, how you were on you're own. You then re-assess things, ponder on your realizations. You try to find yourself again, the part of you you've lost.

When you enter a relationship, you can't help but to lose yourself somehow. I don't believe with what other people say about not losing yourself when you fall in love. I think, whether you like it or not, you will lose yourself one way or another. You enter into a partnership, both of you makes an impact in each other's lives, you influence each other...you change in the process. When the partnership ends and your on your own, that's when you realize you have changed. You're not the same old person you were before you met the person. You realize your ex-partners' influence in you. Also, you realize you've lost the independence. You forgot how to be alone again. How to cope with things on your own. How to make weekends exciting once again by yourself. This is the very part of you you have lost since you didn't have to worry about this while you were in a relationship. But eventually, knowing how to be on your own again will just come back to you...just like learning how to ride a bicycle. You haven't done it for a while but once you try to ride once again, it will come back to you.

I've raising my white flat now....

One of the most significant person in my life has told me.....don't waste your time on something that has no future.

Life is a journey. Everything you go through has a beginning and an end....it's bound to end anyway.......

Back in Sydney....watching video from my holidays...I wish I'm still in holidays...free from worries, from responsibilities, just having fun. I'm getting homesick!

As the saying goes, the truth will set you free. Explaining to friends and family the reason of our breakup is like therapy. I've learned to summarize the whole story.....he's just not sure about me, that's plain and simple..sad but true. With his cheating, his doubts, his confusion.....these cleary say it all. The more I talk about it the more I realize and accept that fact. They need not advice me of what to do because after hearing from me my point of view, they are convinced I am in the right frame of mind.

Holidays are over...off to reality...off to work...off to a new beginning, a new phase in my life...a new year, a new adventure. Curious what's instore for me this year. Looking forward for Dad's visit in Easter....

RHEA

I went to LTO (equivalent to RTA) to ask for driving license certification which states how long I've been holding a license (to my surprise...it has been a decade!). I'd need it to apply for Australian driving license, to skip learners. Anyway, when I went there, a lady approached me...she's called the "fixer"....pay her P200 and she'll be the one to queue for you, you just sit there and wait till the certification is over...no sweat at all...they call it "rush". Of course, that amount would include the actual certification plus money in the pocket of the employees who will be processing your documents. I was tempted! I actually would prefer to let her do it rather than pay the usual government fee of just P30 but you have to queue, wait for long hours in stinking heat, with men looking at you that you'd be scared that your bag might get snatched or you'd get harrassed by them. Anyway, what's P200 in Australian dollars?...that's nothing! I ended up paying just P30. I felt disgusted of how corrupt Filipinos are...no wonder Philippines never recovered. It was a choice of convenience and sticking up with my principles. I chose the latter. I just thought, if I'd go for the easy way out, it's like tolerating them of there wrong doing and that I can't stand! There will always be cheaters as long as they are encouraged by people and I don't want to be either one of them. Surprisingly, I got the certificate in less than an hour...the same time could I have opted for the "rush" processing. They just sales talk you of how "long" it would take to process it just to encourage you to hire a fixer. It wasn't that difficult at all, also to mention you get special treatment by some employees because you look like your wealthier than the rest of the people queuing in that office. It's simple discrimination...I don't agree but I can't help that. It's as if I can tell them, "hey, don't treat me nice please". It's a sad fact. All I can do is just to stick by my morals of doing the right thing, the rest, it was beyond my control already. If all Filipinos would practice the same morals as I did then there is still hope for my country. Sad to say...corruption is rampant...you see it everywhere!

RHEA

Just got home from dinner and drinks with my high school friends. It's nice to catch up with them. When they brought me home, it dawned on me that I am leaving soon. I should be used to saying goodbye to friends and family but up until now I'm not. If only I can have the best of both worlds. It's a bit ironic how a few days ago I felt I had enough of Manila. Just seeing my parents bitter about each other was enough for me to miss the peace and quiet life down under. I may be alone in Sydney but I know I'm better off there. Philippines has nothing much to offer. At lunch with Dad today. I asked him if I would have stayed here, would have I missed out on any opportunities...his answer was a straight no. He said he was glad that I decided to leave. We both agreed that life here is very difficult...it seems that people want to do so much but they're limited...it seems that everyone's stuck. It's all about the economy. It never stops to deteriorate. I know I should be patriotic but instead, I leave my motherland for greener pasture but I don't think you can blame me. I am just one of the many Filipinos who left. Anyway, if you have the opportunity, why not? I guess I should consider myself lucky. If it wouldn't been for my struggles in Australia, I don't think I'd be as self sufficient as I am now. Australia can offer me the financial security and career opportunities I am enjoying at the moment but there is no denying that I am a Filipino, Philippines is still my home. This is my root. Despite the shortcomings, I carry it in my heart.