Another sad news... I just found out my granny has first stage breast cancer. It's good news in a way since it's just starting but it's just scary. She's 79, I wish she can live longer, long enough to see me settled down, meet her grandson-in-law, meet her great grandchild....see me happy in my personal life.

With regards to my sister, I miss her but I'm still not ready to talk to her. At the end of the day, it's not about money that upsets me, it's how she is towards me. All my life she has pushed me around, bossed me around, has been so self-righteous. Guess what, I can't always be the younger sister who doesn't know much about life like she does. I've grown up to. I just want to get the respect I deserve.

Speaking of respect. I'm glad I finally had the gutts to put my foot forward. I met up with my ex and for the first time, I've told him the things I've been wanting to say to him without even feeling upset when we parted. We both actually felt light about things when he left. For the first time I stood up for myself without the fear of losing him. In doing so, I feel I've gained my self respect back and I just feel good about it.

With what had happened to me recently with my sister, I came to realize how I'm just so very nice to other people but not to myself. People I care about, no matter how they can fuck things up with me, no matter how much pain they give me, I'm never been spiteful. I get mad for a little while and I go back to being nice again and still manage to understand and give what I can give. Unfortunately, some can take that forgranted and abuse the kind hearted person that I am. It's just too much already. At the moment, I just need to focus on myself now, what's good for myself and not for others. In the first place, they think of themselves anyway before me. I need to teach myself to be selfish once in a while even if it involves people I care the most, well, except for my parents of course. As they say, for someone to treat you the way you want to be treated, you have to make a stand for yourself. You have to set the boundaries. Once you do that, then you gain their respect.

I think I finally realize the lesson I ought to realize. Even if it means having to lose something in the process. But that's fine. I know it's temporary, I know whatever it is that I've lost for now, I will gain it back later on. What's important is what comes out from it.....There's always tomorrow to make amends, and that's what's nice about life.

Chaser, War on Everything.....it's just the best!!!!

How I celebrated Anzac Day.....slept in this morning...forced myself to get up by 10am for brunch in one of the cafes in Potts Point. It's nice to have a break in the middle of the week. I just thought, it would be nice to do nothing but don't think that would be possible (unless I'm back in Manila). A friend called, inviting me to do something active today....I was just lazy! Well, it's a bed weather. Had a stroll around my suburb, went to a bookshop, did a bit of household chores, cooked a very nice meal...I actually enjoyed just being with myself today, having peace and quiet. Tomorrow's another day at work but I feel refreshed and inspired. I wish Wednesdays are always like this...a break in the middle of the week.

Setbacks are facts of life....they weaken you temporarily but at the end of it all, you come out a stronger and better person.

Just let me be self-absorbed for the time being. I know eventually things will dawn unto me. For now, I just wanna deal with it my way, without anyone imposing me what to do, what to feel. This is just temporary, sooner or later, I can face her again.

Sometimes I wonder, what did I do so bad to deserve to be in this situation? My only fault is that I am selfless. I give and give and give to people I care for. Is that a sin? I don't ask for any in return but just the acknowledgement and appreciation from her.

I'd want to hate her, but I just can't. I love her to death. She's found a solution for her situation, but what about me? I was just left in mid air....all she can say is she's sorry. But there's nothing she can do to make things better for me. She has no idea how lonely it is to be alone coz she was never alone.

All my hard work just went all to waste.

Ever since I can remember, I've always have looked up to her. She guided and protected me. I have always confided in her. I knew she knew better about life than me. She has always influenced me. But for the first time, she screwed up...really big time! I left, also to get away from her shadow. I realize, it's hard to escape from that shadow, I make decisions in my life but unconsciously I felt the need to conform to what's proper by her. I need to be myself...need to remember that we're different. Let it be a lesson for me that I should trust my own judgement, that she's not always right. It's time that I should think of myself first before anything else. Because at the end of the day, it's just me, myself and I who would put up with the difficulties. Now, I have nothing and I'm stuck.