CHRISTMAS WISH

My Christmas wish....a lasting relationship. To be with someone who can accept me for who I am...who can love me unconditionally no matter what....someone who will love me enough to stand up for me....someone who can fight for me...someone who will want to spend the rest of his life with me....someone who can commit.

Pregnancy...the joy of motherhood. I don't understand why some women see this as nuisance. I am a strong believer that motherhood is a gift from God so it should be celebrated regardless if it was made from pure love or accident. With partner or no partner doesn't make any difference to the joy a child will give you. It will definitely be tough raising a child on your own but it is still a gift. Consider yourself lucky still of the privilege. A child gives so much happiness that sometimes you feel guilty to deprive him/her of a complete family. But at the end of the day, the child copes, the child will understand, the child will thank you for bringing him/her out to this world.

There will come a point in your life when you will realize enough is enough, be kind to yourself, lie if you have to just to protect yourself. Once you reach this point, be glad because it is a good sign.

The problem with me is I've always been patient with people I care for. I am usually the last person to give up on someone. My friends can attest to this. It'll take me a long time to realize that I'm giving so much already. Once I reach this realization, what used to be a warm hearted person can turn out to be the opposite just like some friendships I've ended. Things are never the same as before because I've gone cold already...I'm now indifferent. Once I'm fed up, it means that there's no more patience to give anymore. I think this is a cancer trait. Cancers are the most loyal, patient and caring person you can find...sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Home...makes you rekindle the past. I've got this guy best mate back in uni. He was my confidant. We were very close. A lot of people mistook us as being a couple. My sister loved him because he really looked after me. He was very protective of me...he would get jealous if guys would try hitting on me...which is funny and flattering. For some reason, our relationship didn't really go beyond friendship. Even though there was a point where I did grow feelings for him. He was vocal about it but I wasn't. I didn't enteratain that feeling because I didn't want to ruin the friendship. We were in a big group of friends back then and I thought we are better of that way. Actually, it was more of a love triangle. His best friend was also hitting on me....it's that complicated so I'd rather keep the peace. I didn't tell him until I went back to Sydney in 2003. I told him that of course just to let him know. Didn't have any intentions whatsoever since by then I didn't feel that way anymore. I just told him just a matter-of-factly. Anyway, we talked recently...it's just nice how I've maintained that fondness for him. I'm just proud how successful he is now with his career. I'm happy how despite the distance, there's still this bond that we have. It makes me wonder what could have been...but then, I'm happy where I am now. We've got our seperate lives now....his life here and my life down under....but both single.

Speaking of rekindling...the guys in my life....they come and they go but there's this guy who every heartache I go through, I'd go back to him no matter what. He knows me enough to make me comfortable to confide in him. I guess it's true what they say...first love never dies....though I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore...I'm certain about that!

PAMPERED

Spent 5 hours today at the hair salon again....obviously, still can't get enough since my last visit a few days ago. I had "the works" done...cut hair again, now it's shorter, had treatment, coloured with highlights and even had my eyebrows coloured too to match my hair. I like it!!! Kinda felt guilty with the money I spent since I wouldn't normally spend that much in Sydney. But if I think of the equivalent cost I could get it back there, I feel good eventually. Tomorrow, I've got an appointment for manicure and foot spa. My trip is all about pampering myself. I think I deserve it anyway. After a year of hardwork, I've saved for my trip so I deserve to be pampered. It is indeed a very good feeling to be disciplined with money. You can afford to indulge yourself and at the same time not worrying much because you still have enough savings in your account.

Last night was a fun evening. Caught up with my relatives from my mum's side. My cousins who I haven't seen for more than two years, now all grown up. I found it so amazing how my cousins, who I used to borrow from my uncle when I was a teenager just to baby sit and play with them, are now teenagers. It makes me feel really old. How time fly so quickly. I even have a younger cousin who's getting married next year....amongst the grandchildren, I'm actually the next in line to be married, but obviously, it's not gonna happen. She's just 24, I feel like she's always been the little cousin of mine, but 25 is not a bad age to be married, well as far as my culture is concern. But looking back, when I was that age, I have wanted to get married late 20's so I guess I'm an exception to the norm. Maybe that's why I'm destined for Australia.

Maybe it's just a matter of meeting the right person for you. I've always been a domesticated person. I value family and I could say, I am ready to settle down now if the right person comes along. I've got this Spanish mate who I'd see every week for power walking. It's nice to spend time with him coz we're going through the same stage as far as relationships are concern. Like me, he's also ready to settle down once the right one comes along. He's not actually a hard person to like. I can see from just day one I went out with him that he's got a good heart, actually, a warm heart. He's fond of my country and he's been wanting to visit Philippines just to trace the link between my culture and his. Maybe if we're both emotionally ready to be in another relationship, something may blossom. At the moment, being with him makes me comfortable because we are able to support each other on whatever we're going through since we feel for each other. I'd give him advice and he'd do the same. Just a good confidant. He keeps on asking me where he can meet a Filipino girl like me in Philippines...hehe, is that a hint? Well, anyway, it is a bit impressive how he is eager to see my country. I thought it's just a cultural thing but I guess with the fact that he grew up in Sydney means that it's not.My next partner, I want him to be just like that. Eager to see my country, to meet my family, to know more about me...my other side. If I see these signs, than I know he loves me enough to go out of his way. My family is the most important people in my life and I have to see my man really exert effort to get to know them. Next time, I should know better. If I don't see these signs than I don't think he's good enough. Coz next time, I don't wanna waste it. I just wanna be with someone I can spend the rest of my life with and vice versa.

FINALLY

I finally did it! I had my long awaited visit to a salon....had my haircut to the length I've always wanted and had it coloured without considering anyone's preference but myself....nice to do things you really like without considering anyone....

CAUGHT IN BETWEEN

It's just funny how when I'm in Sydney, I'd thought, being home in Manila is really good coz I get be with family, I'd have the chance to rest. Now that I'm in Manila, I'd think about being in Sydney, how much I appreciate my second home, my life down there. Oh well, I guess you can't have the best of both worlds...I wish I could.

ANDRE

It's been 2 days since I arrived in Manila. Still couldn't get enough sleep. Can't seem to get it right just yet. Three hours difference makes a huge difference somehow. I'm supposed to be with my sister at the airport to pick up mum but I asked to be left behind to catch up with my sleep...but I'm up again. I wonder how I'd manage when I'm back in Sydney, especially when I'd be at work the following day...I know, I'll be a zombi1e!

Being home once again is just a wonderful feeling. Actually, there are just two things I miss about home...family and shopping!!! The rest, I can do without. I've spent the last two days just being domisticated. Been spending a lot of quality time with Andre. It's amazing how he remembers me and feels so close to me even after a year of not seeing each other. He seems to be very familiar of me still. He prefers that I'd look after him more than his nanny. I've been feeding and giving him a bath because he doesn't want anyone else to do it for him but me! He's been sleeping beside me for the last two nights now. Andre cannot sleep at night without his mum beside him...for some reason, he doesn't mind being away from mum for the last few nights. Just today, we went to the mall to go shopping for clothes for a party we have to go to tomorrow. I was seperated from them for a few hours since I had to do my own shopping. Andre was doing tantraums at the mall coz he was looking for me. My sister's now scared that when I leave, she'll have a hard time with Andre. He actually wants to come with me to Australia so he can meet Hi-5 and Wiggles....he loves them! I wish I can take him though! Andre is very much like my own son. He is my weakness.. I love him so much. I love how he makes me feel good...his tight hugs and sweet kisses and constantly telling me that he loves me, thanks me for the things I'd do for him. Just the geniune appreciation you get from him, the happiness you see in his eyes makes me really high! Andre makes me convince that I can be a good mum one day. I kinda feel guilty though coz I haven't spent much time with dad because of Andre. He just makes me wanna drop everything!

SINFUL INDULGENCE

Started the day with the usual weekend breakfast: bacon, eggs and toasts with capuccino at a cafe near my place. Then went to Surry Hills to check out this one bedroom unit. It was a lovely place, good pick for $250 weekly rent. I'm now hopeful on my return next year. Went a bit of shopping for presents for my trip. Saw this 1 carat white opal for mum which goes with fresh water pearls for free! Good bargain...of course the pearl earrings' for me! Then a friend picked me up by 1 p.m. for a play at the Opera House, simple story but it was really well done...good visual effects, props, sound effects, you name it! After the play, that's when the sinful indulgence began. We headed to Pancakes at the Rocks....just looking at the menu...who wouldn't resist?! We had three course meal...ok at least we shared the calamari (cholesterol!!!) for starters and the pancake with walnuts and chocolate ice cream and syrup for dessert. I felt guilty afterwards...well I should be! All that power walking and dance classes I've went to this week went for nothing!!! By next week when I'm home for sure more deadly indulgence on offer. I promise to atleast avoid rice while I'm there. Good thing I can still access Fitness First in Manila. When I come back I promise myself to indulge in healthier activities. Continue with the power walking with my friend, half an hour swimming twice a week and dance class too. I really should be trimming at least a few kilos! It's easier to do when I come back...no distractions, I've got heaps of time to allot for this.

LEAVE THE PIECES

You’re not sure that you love me
But you’re not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know to just keep me hangin round
You say you don’t wanna hurt me
Don't wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing here just watchin me drown
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don’t worry about this heart of mine
Just, take your love and hit the road
There’s nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just, leave the pieces when you go
Now you can drag out the heartache
Or baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with and just let me move on
Don’t concern yourself with this mess you left for me
I can clean it up you see just as long as you’re gone
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You're not making up your mind
It's killing me wasting time
I need so much more than that

Just got home from some drinks with colleagues from work. It's the first time I've joined them since I started working for the company....and it was fun! I don't mind doing that every friday....it's good to socialize. It's good to be back to my old self...happy-go-lucky gal. This is what I somehow miss out when I was in a relationship. Before, after work on a Friday, I wouldn't be bothered staying back to socialize with colleagues coz I'd rather be with my boyfriend. It's not that I was obliged to see him, I just preferred to be with him. I guess in that process, I sort of loss myself. Now that I'm single once again, I can do whatever I want without considering anyone but myself. I also realize how I've always been good with mingling with people, I easily get along with people without even trying. My sister once said that I'm a resilient person...I guess I am, otherwise, I would have not stayed here in Sydney. Times like this, you can't help but appreciate what you've got. Aside from family and friends, I appreciate the fact that I love the company I'm working for and the company loves me too...I feel it! My boss loves me....she keeps on reminding me how good I am in what I'm doing and that she hired me because I was smart and intelligent. Just this evening, while mingling with other colleagues from different teams...they constantly congratulate me for bringing in good business for the company. I was flattered since I was made aware that it's just not my boss who recognizes my abilities...the whole office notice it! I do hope next year I can continually climb up the ladder...once I achieve my next promotion, who knows, I might consider buying my own two bedroom flat. I think I'd be able to manage it....especially if Dad will be able to help me for the deposit!